Lasts

Today is the start of many "lasts" and I am dreading them all...It is the last day of school, the last drive I will make to drop off my kidos and wave to my friends..The last day I will see Mr. pasquas' smiling face at my car door, telling me how wonderful my son is..the last day I will see my kids walk to the gym together, and me telling Scotty to wait for his sister....The last day, as they get out of the car, my telling them to be a good friend, to treat others like they want to be treated, and to have a good day...It is the last.

Also a day that I have not talked about on here, is the day Daisy goes to a new home. Which is also today. We were unable to find any house that would allow a "big" dog, let alone any dog, and now as I write this I am imaging my kids heartbreak today when she gets picked up, and mine. There have been a many times I questioned why I got a dog, when she has run off, chewed up something or done something along those lines..but those things grew on me. As she has grown, she has gotten better, she just wants what we all want, to be loved. That she is, that is why this is going to crush my kids, especially Scotty. I am dreading 11:30..

This brings up a lot of feelings for me that I am pushing down, I am scared about moving, even though I do not post it..I am scared of what this and all the other changes will do to my kids, to me, to my marriage...This was supposed to be "IT"...We were supposed to stay here, we bought a house and told our kids this was "IT"...we got them a dog, that we said we would have forever, and now we won't...I feel like a liar, I feel like a failure, I feel like I let them down, I let myself down. As positive as I try to be, as much as I pray, as much as I ask for help and guidance, I feel myself failing. I feel myself unsure and afraid, something i keep giving to God, but I feel it coming back to me...

I am tired, this traveling is wearing on me, it is wearing on the kids and to say I am feeling beat down, is an understatement. I feel almost mad that I am having to do this alone..not actually mad at Scott, but I think mad at the situation..All the tears and upset of today will bring heavy hearts and heavy shoulders, a weight I am not ready to carry..I am envisioning the way today will go, and somehow I don't think it will all be just fine.

I am sad to leave here, leave the friends I have made, leave the new comforts I know..I am sad for what could have been, had we stayed. I hear songs that remind me of Bella cheering and Scotty playing football...Seeing friends at Sonic after school, when we didn't plan it..I am just sad.

I know all the things I am worried about, I will have somewhere else, there is always cheer and sports..and things to be a part of..But right now as it is all coming to a close, I don't feel ready...I am not ready for it to be over...I am not ready to say good bye..again..it is too soon.