mixed bag

So lately I am feeling like a mixed bag of emotions..all different kinds jumbled into one. The last week was tough, saying some good byes, it felt just as hard in some ways as it it did in California. maybe it was just all too real, too quick, not planned, not expected..all of those things in one.

As I sat the other night, I thought to myself about everything that has changed and transpired, and it was the first time, I was like, "I can't believe we are doing this again." and I can't....I am sad..and really lonely here, but yet the upcoming change is scary too...I feel bad for our kids, even Scotty more so..he just is so quiet and shy, like I WAS, when I was a kid..and as much as I want to change that for him, I can't, he is who HE is, not who I want him to be. But none the less, he is a smart and bright boy, so polite and sweet, so when I have to see his heart hurt, it hurts mine, in a different way.

When I was a kid, from what I can remember, we moved alot, and that is the last thing I want my kids to get used too, I don't want "good-bye's" to be normal..I want them to have friends that they grow with and have for a long time...something I never had...

Isn't that what being a parent is though, having, giving and and wanting to give your kids what you did not have or felt you lacked?? And I don't mean monetarily, I mean stability and emotionally...

So at times like these when our life feels upside down, I struggle..I struggle with our choices and contemplate too much..worry too much...just plain THINK too much, and it wears me down!!
Some days I just feel done...but then a little smile, and hand drawn picture, a kiss from my littlest...changes all the things I feel...finding a note Bella started to write to me, that she turned upside down that I would not see, saying "I love you Mom, you are the best mom in the world.." Even when I don't feel like one...Or a note from Scotty telling me that he is sorry for being loud at the doctors office...(a few days ago) which he drew  a picture of me and him..he has the sweetest heart...

That's the thing, I don't want to ruin my kids, make them numb to things that should be upsetting, I don't want them to have a broken spirit....

Changes are coming, BIG ones, again..and am really trying to focus on the positive...I think with all the changes come doubt and questioning...when it shouldn't...But somehow it sneaks in...