Thankful is what I am...for so many reasons in my life, I have been very blessed. Blessed for many reasons, I do not know..But I do know I am a work in progress...
We are hardest on ourselves, especially as moms, there are no rules or guides on how to be a good mom, and that is scary! There are many times a day, that I think I could have done things differently, maybe better than I did..sometimes I am more critical of myself, depending on my mood, or how I feel that day..How I look, or more so how I don't look anymore...Why? Why are we so hard on every aspect of our life? How we live it, who we are, or are not?? Making sure our appearance is good, and trying to uphold that inside our selves...I used to be more that person, where everything was perfect..from the outside..and this was many years ago, and maybe at that time, I thought that was what I was supposed to be..But after many stumbles, falls and bumps in my life, now, many years later in my life, I realize so many new and different things about myself..
Maybe about the person I know I am, and about the better person I want to be, the better mom and wife my family deserves...One who lets go a little more, who laughs a little more, even when we are past our bedtime!!
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I never really wanted to be anything else...But there was a time when Nicholas was young, I did stay at home, and then when his dad and I divorced I HAD to go to work..I, to this day remember the first daycare I ever left Nicholas at, I remember the shirt he was wearing, the little backpack he had on, and I remember most of all, what a failure I thought I was, for things not working out with his dad....that the choice of my unhappiness, led me to leaving..led me having to put my son in daycare, and I remember how I agonized and cried a many of nights from that point on...
Looking at those harder times in my life, I realize now God was helping me, helping me see who I was, and who I was going to be...and now am Thankful for that time of my life. That time of my life, good or bad, helped me to be the person I am now...More confident, secure in knowing who I am, how to better myself, and work on things that I want to change, for me..
I also know that no one tells you how hard it is to stay home, and until you are there, you have no idea...Suddenly you are everything all at once, you are the nanny, house cleaner, bill payer, taxi, laundromat, chef...and also someone who is responsible for teaching, loving, taking care of and disciplining your children...there is a lot of weight on your shoulders! it is so not easy, it is the hardest job, with the least pats' on the back... I never knew it would be this hard sometimes....
While now alot of the physical work of chasing babies around and being their sole one to do everything for them, is lighter now, it is still not easy..and I do not think it will be from here on out..With the change in ages you have new worries, new concerns, things that weigh heavy on your heart...worrying about your kids, are they doing good at school, are they well liked, are they kind, do they use the manners I try to teach them, are they helpful to others, are they a good friend?? So many of these things and others are on your mind, they are just now mental work more than the physical...
Before I had kids, I never knew you could love someone so much..While there are days that break you down, there are so many that make up for them..their sweet faces, kind words, silly gestures...those are my rewards, those are my pats' on the back, and when you get compliments on your children, how well behaved they are, how kind they are, those are my rewards, my pat on the back that I am doing a good job, that maybe I am on the "right" track...
All in all, I am plain Thankful...Thankful for being a Believer, Thankful for choosing to find God, Thankful that He has a plan, even when I think I do, His leads me, His guides me in the right direction...His direction..
In His Grip
